Saturday September 16 2023 at 21:10
Freaking out. I'm trying to tell myself he's just acting like this because he's a super sensitive boy. That he senses Momma is really not feeling well.
He had a stressful weekend. First we took him to the Big Splash. He was stressed out as it was very chaotic & unfamiliar.
Then Sunday Momma left around 4pm and didn't return until 1:30 AM. So he had 2 highly stressful days.
Monday, Momma recovered by sleeping most of the day ...which also coincides with when I began falling ill.
Was stuffy & congested on Tuesday & by Wed I felt horrible. I had a fever & slept most of Wednesday. Thursday night & Friday night I did not sleep in the bed.
Earlier this week, Monday perhaps, he peed in the basement. Him preferring to stay in the bed in the mornings is nothing new.
Thursday throughout the morning he stayed in the bedroom but did come to lay next to me on the couch. Friday, he was in the bed all morning.
I did get him to get active when the toys I ordered were delivered. He played like normal with the toys.
Saturday, today, he's been off. Quiet. He either stayed in the bedroom , the basement, or outside. Most of this evening he was lying in the basement, on the one carpet. Not even at the bottom of the stairs.
I went down there to check on him & he just was lying there. Head up, but lying there. I got on the floor to cuddle with him & he just accepted it.
I got him to come upstairs by taking one of the lambchops & squeaking it. He got up to grab it & did come upstairs. Now he's lying in the bed.
He's barely eaten & he hasn't drank water. I am praying this is just a sympathetic illness & not anything serious. I cannot handle anything else. Not right now when I'm so sick.
I'm trying to to get Rich sick, hence the sleeping apart. I originally thought maybe he would want to lie out here with me, but I under-estimated the power of the bed.
I cannot even begin to describe the devastation that will happen if this is anything else.
Please please please universe. Keep him healthy..
9/19/23
Ended up taking him to the ER on Sunday evening. They gave him some meds for the vomiting & diarrhea & something for hydration. Came home & slept in the bed with me.
Yesterday morning he was back to his oldself in the am. Ate some chicken & rice like a champ.
However it kind of went downhill from there. He refused to eat anything else. Barely drank. He got all worked up with Peryn when I went downstairs, but otherwise he was off.
In the evening he went off by himself to the farthest corner to lay down. He eventually made his way back to the bedroom & eventually the bed.
This morning he drank a little, but still turns his head at food. However he did run downstairs with the rest of the pack & barked a bit. However the lack of food & energy did him in quick.
He is in my office with me, so he wants to do all the things...he just can't eat or drink. I'm going to take him in again. I should try to wait until 8am but I don't know if I can.
I can't sit by & watch him waste away.
I'm going to have to deal with spending $$ to try & get him diagnosed.
17:49
By now, most of you know the score.
Took him in cause he was definitely not getting better. Taking an xray of his stomach & intestines found a bunch of gas & possibly something else? Not sure at this time.
The main issue is the mass they found. They're pretty sure it's cancer. Of course that news devastates me. However it doesn't completely surprise me as he is a Berner & he has had issues with masses.
No the issue is if what's in his intestines does not dissipate or move, they can't even do surgery because of the mass indicated above.
Gut punch. This is not happening. I'm more scared about the current issue than cancer. Why? It may not be cancer. Even if it is, it may not be aggressive... There are still so many unknowns....
But this current issue.... This is robbing him of getting nutrition from food & water. This is causing him discomfort. This is robbing me of my time left.
I have to make it through the rest of the night & morning before I can hear anything. I don't know how I'll do that.
After work today, I decided to keep myself busy by picking up & cleaning. Since I was sick the previous week, cleaning fell by the wayside.
The other 3 are at daycare so I could get a bunch done without them here.
I ran into issues with that. Everywhere there are toys. A majority of them are either his or Ziva & his to play tug with. I found his most favorite ball....I can't do anything with that yet.
I then think of Ziva & how is she going to handle it if it comes to that? She has adored him from her setting her eyes on him. She loves playing tug with him. She loves lying near him. How is she going to deal.
Then Peryn...he may be the biggest AH on the planet, but he freaking is obsessed with Volos. How will he be on the days when the girls go to daycare? How will I be?
I hate the not knowing.
I keep praying to my Dad to keep my boy safe & give me just a little more time.
I knew time was running short. He's a Berner after all. I kept hoping "cause he's smaller" or "maybe we'll be the lucky ones" to make it longer.
I had ZERO clues that this dog would become my whole world. I really didn't. I'm begging the universe....just give me more time. Time to bring him home. More cuddles. More sleeping in bed. More I love yous.
I'm MAD. MAD as hell that this happened while i was sick. While I couldn't be in bed with him. While I couldn't play with them... My sickness robbed me. Maybe I would have noticed sooner & could have gotten him help sooner...
Currently awaiting the rest of the family to come home. I'm going to have to give love and attention to the rest of the crew. I am going to have to keep an eye on them to see if they look for him.
ugh. a big rock in my chest....
9/20/23
It's too effing quiet.
This morning taking them downstairs...too quiet.
Rich coming in the office this morning, too quiet.
Sitting here working it's too quiet.
I do not like this quiet.
Called vet last night before bed. He's resting comfortably. Been out to pee a few times.
I miss him.
9:22AM
Devastated beyond belief. He has some blockage. It's bad, he is spitting /throwing up whenever they move him..
We could do an ultra sound to get more info. However with the mass near his lungs, the odds aren't great.
I'm pissed at Rich for going into work. I'm pissed that I can't get a hold of him. I want to hold my boy.
9:58AM
Rich is coming home from work. Now I've been trying to call the vet back, but there has been an issue with the phone lines all morning. The call will not go through.
Plan is to go see him & spend some time with him before we release him from his pain. If I could just get a hold of the Dr.
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